Enigma & Tragedy of Nabokov’s “Lolita” - a Story not of Love & Passion but of Corrupted Youth & Crime

I read “Lolita” back in my early twenties when I was finally done being brainwashed by Jane Austen’s perfect, nearly flawless people. Took me a few years to finally understand the flaws in Austen's heroes and heroines. Lets be real, Darcy can be a real dickhole. This isn’t a jab against Jane, whom I consider somewhat a personal hero. Dissenting into darker fiction and meeting Humbert Humbert, I had finally quit fetishizing and romanticizing shitty men in “romance” novels.  “Lolita” is one of the more difficult, disturbing books I had ever read in my lifetime. There is no gore, no clowns with red balloons, no fire-breathing dragons, no Red Weddings…there is only a criminal who uses and abuses a child under pretext of “love.”

Not only is “Lolita” one of the darkest works of fiction, it is also the most misunderstood. Many people cannot and refuse to stomach it and I completely understand them. To read it, is to be responsible about it. To view it through a romantic lens is to disservice it and discredit Nabokov’s dark narrative that exposes corruption of youth through satire. Real life crime from 1948 is what inspired him. He explicitly asked the publisher NOT to feature young girls on the cover design. 

“I want pure colors, melting clouds, accurately drawn details, a sunburst above a receding road with the light reflected in furrows and ruts, after rain. And no girls.”
“And no girls.”

Yet, five decades later, a google search of Lolita will bring up images of teenage seductresses in red lips and heart shaped glasses. No American landscape…

These images will sway you to view Lolita as the sex symbol who seduced her much older lover…not as the child he kidnapped and raped. It’s amazing how a book cover can shape the narrative, isn’t it?

If you ever decide to read this book, keep in mind that you will be reading it from Humbert Humbert’s point of view, which means he will attempt to trick you. HH is intelligent, well-spoken, funny…a master manipulator. He will bend the reality to shape a narrative you will find yourself almost pitying him. Do not fall for it. That is what abusers do. They victimize themselves. "She made me do it. She seduced me. I couldn't help it. She asked for it, Did you see what she was wearing? You make me hit you!" Nabokov even starts the book by calling the reader JURY…it is your job to maneuver around a charming rapist. You have a role while reading this book and it will make you laugh, cry and vomit. Do not let HH or Nabokov's writing sway you. The writing is absolutely gorgeous. Nabokov is the master of language and this book is the living proof of it.

I recall certain moments, let us call them icebergs in paradise, when after having had my fill of her –after fabulous, insane exertions that left me limp and azure-barred–I would gather her in my arms with, at last, a mute moan of human tenderness (her skin glistening in the neon light coming from the paved court through the slits in the blind, her soot-black lashes matted, her grave gray eyes more vacant than ever–for all the world a little patient still in the confusion of a drug after a major operation)–and the tenderness would deepen to shame and despair, and I would lull and rock my lone light Lolita in my marble arms, and moan in her warm hair, and caress her at random and mutely ask her blessing, and at the peak of this human agonized selfless tenderness

This sentence is so gorgeous and despicable, it makes me vomit and awe at the same time. That juxtaposition alone makes the book one of the best written pieces in English language, and English wasn't even Nabokov's first language. Two movies were made about it. Two movies you need to avoid like a plague because neither director really "got it" (captured its dark essence.) Its an incredibly hard thing to capture inner dialogue of a perverted criminal while he lusts after a child. Especially when both directors hire older, attractive actresses to play Lolita and completely miss the point. One would think Stanley Kubrick wouldn't be so gutless, and even he couldn't help but be a coward towards this novel. 

This book is not a tale of ill-fated, forbidden romance. Its a cautionary tale of stolen life and corrupted youth. It gives a voice to a pathological abuser and a rapist. It is YOUR job to judge him harshly. Humbert stole Dolores's life. He shaped it in his own twisted way, took away her choice, her life, her decisions, her childhood, her youth, her mother, school, friends, home....his perversion corrupted her in every shape and form, until nothing but a shadow was left. It is your job as the Jury (the reader) to navigate past Humbert's unreliable narration and not fall into his trap of internalized victimhood. He is a rapist and a pedophile. Dolores "Lolita" Haze is the victim - a CHILD he victimized and destroyed. If you can stomach this type of content, if you can bare to read thoughts of a pedophile, all the excuses men give for sexually abusing their victims...you will come out of this experience disgusted. Or at least that's what I hope for. Fester in your own disgust, in your own literary vomit...I don't care, just evolve from it. I did and have never felt more furious and awake.

Game of Thrones Season 7 finale thoughts & season 8 predictions

Thoughts and some predictions on the Game of Thrones finale (obviously spoilers.) Level of excitement/importance/prediction not in any particular order. Here we go:

• Sansa is personally responsible for ridding the world of TWO psychopaths and sociopaths: Baelish & Ramsey Bolton. I do not wanna HEAR Sansa hate near me. No one grew and evolved as much as she has. If anyone truly deserves the throne and will serve it well and smart, its Sansa f*cking Stark. She survived horrific abuse by Westeros biggest psychos and outlived them. Come at me bro.
• Also, Sansa & Arya bonding over their struggles and being fucking awesome is the lullaby I fall asleep to.

• Baelish choking on his own blood after being cut by the same knife that was LITERALLY a catalyst for the ENTIRE show, is the song of my people. Lemme sing it to ya: BYE FELICIA.

• I find it fitting that Viserion dragon is the one that died and became the Ice Dragon. Dany named him after a very cruel, evil brother….it seems fitting that she will battle him AGAIN.
• If you are a fan of the show, if you’ve read the books, understand GOT mythology and why George Martin does what he does, the concept of FAMILY & POWER is extremely important. Incest is something that’s been practiced for centuries. All Targeryan’s married each other to keep the power and more importantly MAGIC in the blood because pure Targeryan blood is what controls the dragons. At the risk of sounding like an elitist snob - read the f*cking book. Being grossed out by Dany & Jon is pointless. It’s in their blood, it’s their destiny, it’s their family history, it’s who Targeryan’s ARE. They are two sides of the same coin. The entire story is two of them….two nothings who endured so much and became everything. They are “A Song of Ice & Fire.”
• Dany will get pregnant and the baby will be The Prince or Princess that was Promised - who will end the Long Night. The baby will kill Dany in the process….or Jon will kill her with Longclaw to fulfill Azor Ahai prophesy. I just know that there is no happy ending for Jon & Dany. How can there be? Pretty much every love story on the show has caused major tragedy to everyone. Hello Robb Stark, you dumbass!

Azor Ahai plunging the Hero's Sword into Nissa Nissa's Chest.

• Speaking of dark loves – Rhaegar & Lyanna Stark. He didn’t kidnap or rape her. He loved and married her. Everything Robert Baratheon did….started an entire war, killed so many -  was based on a LIE. So many suffered becauase Rhaegar fell in love with Lyanna…..and their own blood (Jon & Dany) will pay it all back. Again, this is my prediction.

Robert Baratheon & Rhaegar Targeryan

• Jon Snow is Jon Snow. I mean…yes, he’s Aegon Targeryan…but JON FRIGGIN SNOW.

• I still do not know what to make of the Lannister siblings. Jaime might have freed himself from a toxic relationship, but Cersei’s pregnancy complicates things. I think this baby is whats gonna cause Tyrion to betray Dany. I believed for SO LONG that he’s the third head of the dragons. That was quickly shot down with the Ice Dragon, and Tyrion will be torn. Cersei will die…but how? By Jaime, Tyrion or will her baby kill her like Tyrion “killed” their own mother in childbirth? Third one would be poetic for sure.
• Jon & Dany – I’ve been a LONG fangirl of this union. It makes sense…despite the incest. Their journey and mythology that surrounds them spans centuries. Plus they are sexy as hell together. Their union will destroy them…..and save the world.

• Brienne & Hound acting all proud of their murder child Arya…one of the best scenes.
• Dany’s entrance – so dramatic, I loved it. That’s exactly how you meet Cersei Lannister.

• Theon finally embracing an identity – Greyjoy or Stark  was beautiful. He was misguided, lost and Reek for so long, watching him fight for Yara made my heart sing.

• Snow in the South…Jaime riding away; becoming The Winter Lion…I got chills. WINTER IS HERE.
• Despite everything, I just CANT hate Cersei Lannister. This is the first time in her life she’s calling the shots, making decisions, not giving a fuck. Her entire existence and decisions were maneuvered and made by fuckboys around her. Get yours Cersei! Also, give a Golden Globe to Lena Hadley....she was so perfect in her scenes with Jaime and Tyrion. SO SO PERFECT.

• ICE DRAGON
• Took centuries to build The Wall…took years to grow a Dragon…The Night King ended it all in matter of seconds. He is NOT fucking around.

Right now, the best I can hope for is that Trump and rest of World leaders do not end the world before the series conclude in 2019. 

Thoughts? Predictions?

Going Animal Cruelty Free - personal manifesto.

Ever since I rescued my 3 cats, I've become more conscious about animal welfare. Not that I wasn't aware of animal cruelty before, I just never spoke as loudly as I do these days. And also, ignorance is bliss. I chose to ignore certain things because I like certain items. In terms of animal welfare, I sadly admit that I am nowhere near perfect. I still eat meat, for example. Not as much as I used to, but I do. I do imagine and see the future for myself that is free of animal flesh & fur. My conscience won't allow much longer for it. I know what the corporate farming does to cows, pigs and chickens. Do not google it....or do, maybe we can go vegan together. Cats and dogs might be considered pets, but the farm animals are just as sentient as the "cute," "fluffy" ones. Because I still eat meat, I can't judge anyone else who does. This post is not meant to be preachy or judgmental. I'm fully aware of the fact that veganism and vegetarianism are FIRST world choice. People across the planet cannot afford such luxury. I try to keep my privilege in check. This post is simply a reflection on a lifestyle I want to change & lead. Lifestyle free of animal, products, torture & cruelty. Those are the key words to keep in mind. It's not a change I can make over night but I'm willing to work on it.

Animal cruelty, with CRUELTY being the key word here, it does nothing to benefit a human. You can eat an animal without torturing it or experimenting on it.

Bottom line:

It's cruel to hunt for sport & fun.

It's cruel to test make-up on animals.

It's cruel to wear leather and fur.

It's cruel to buy animals.

I want to contribute somehow. I want to curb the cruelty in any way I can. I wish I can be more radical and bold and just say "fuck it all" but there is nuance to this. Its not as black and white and as simple as some may make it out to be. Hunting for food and population control, I get it. Testing medications on animals for cancer treatments, I get it. Testing for make up? Fuck no. Its absolutely unnecessary. Wearing leather and fur? The sheer cruelty these poor animals go through is unbearable. Technology and process has evolved so much that vegan leather and fake fur look as good as the real thing, but its a personal choice and you chose to be a fucking asshole. (The fur thing infuriates me.) Now, let me step back for a moment. I own a leather jacket, shoes and boots. All from Zara. Haven't bought real leather in years & don't intend to anymore. I find solace in Zara's ethically obtained leather though. but even this is highly questionable due to the environmental impact and collection of carcasses from slaughterhouses....I mean....I don't know. At least they are not killing these poor animals just to strip them off their skin, so I find SOME, completely bare minimum justification in that. Its not good enough though.

Ethical Consumer is a fantastic source if you are looking to make changes to your purchasing and life habits.

I have never bought or worn fur. I refuse to buy silk.  I'm trying to abstain from polyester as well, due to environmental impact. Cotton, linen and soy based fabrics such as cashmere and silk are all sustainable and biodegradable. Does polyester sneak into my closet? Sure. I'm trying to curb it as much as I can. 

For about a year, I've been changing up my skin and make-up routine and products to cruelty-free. 99% of my make up is cruelty free. 100% of my skin care is cruelty free. Hair care? This is my worst offence. Pretty much all of my hair products have been tested on animals. After make up and skin care, that's my next level of cruelty free I'd like to achieve. If it has the word L'Oreal, Estee Lauder, & Shiseido, I am NOT buying it. There are so many great make up  brands that are NOT sold in China (this is major indicate) and are cruelty free. My favorites are Hourglass. Marc Jacobs Beauty (separate company from the perfumes which DO test on animals) Kat Von D, Anastasia Beverly Hills, Becca, Cover FX - and TONS of other affordable & indie brands. There are thousands of fantastic companies NOT testing on animals and their products are TOP NOTCH. You can spend $13 on Loreal Infallible....or you can spend $5.00 on Wet'nWild which is far superior, cheaper and CRUELTY FREE. Its not just rats and rabbits that go through this process. Cats, dogs, monkeys....I mean. I didn't want to share any disturbing photos but...

I don't want this on my conscience. I already do enough damage by eating meat & eggs....but to contribute to this because of a fucking lipstick? I can do better.

So yeah. I've been ranting, facebooking, snap-chatting and discussing cruelty free for a while now. Its something I take seriously & other people's opinions on this matter are absolutely irrelevant to me. My goal is not to preach or tell you "go vegan"...I just want to discuss alternatives. I can't judge because I'm so far from where I want to be. I hope to start a conversation with this.

I want my lifestyle to reflect my conscience. Maybe not right now at this moment or even tomorrow, but I'm more than willing to make changes & raise my own humans one day to be aware of the planet and all its inhabitants.

Cruelty Free Kitty website is a FANTASTIC source for all things cruelty-free & vegan. Suzi updates her blog regularly with new products and ways. She also alerts when a company sells their soul to China (looking at you NARS.)

Resources are out there, products and ways are out there...they just need to be looked up, reached and researched. Ignorance is no longer a bliss for me. I'm not that boring anymore. And as always, TNR your neighborhood cats and ALWAYS ADOPT DO NOT SHOP. 

My shameful secret: I hate "Friends"

F*ck it. Its out and now I can breathe. Honest to God, I am not trying to disparage your favorite show or convince YOU how awful it is. This is MY account, my experience, my thoughts, my opinion. I will not tell you "Hey stop watching Friends! Quit thinking its funny!"

That's not why I'm coming out of my Friends-hating closet. I can be a salty bitch sometimes. Now that disclaimers are done and over with, my God, I hate Friends. It's just not funny. I watched it religiously in the 1990's like everyone else, I was a teenager and basic as fuck. While I loved and listened to Nirvana & Metallica, I secretly obsessed over Britney Spears but claimed otherwise because I was soooooo special & needed my special cookies. So yeah, I grew up with Friends and watched it mostly for Ross & Rachel drama. "Will they-wont they" is a trope as old as time and when done right, it can be magical (See Teen Wolf and The 100) but Ross & Rachel? Two rusty shovels make more sense together than these two self involved, whiny assholes.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments that are genuine and funny (like Monica proposing to Chandler), but faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar in between and this show ran for 10 seasons...236 episodes exist. Watching it today as a 31 year old adult in year 2017? Take those two shovels to my face and call it a day. "But why Jovana? Why so salty?" Because hindsight and adulthood. Because I can't be Mary f*cking Sunshine 24/7. I ain't got that kind of stamina. Plus, negative rants about dumb pop culture stuff is fun to me. Judging Friends by today's TV standards (which are astronomical) is absolutely unfair, I know but imma do it anyways because reasons. Comedy has evolved so much. How can I ever watch Friends again after being spoiled with Arrested Development, Parks & Recreation, Community, 30 Rock, Broad City, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Archer, Bob's Burgers etc? These shows are so fucking good, funny, real, intelligent and FULL of complex, interesting, FUNNY characters....I refuse to waste ONE second of my time on another Fat Monica joke because fat = funny. Just gross.

Where do I even begin? Lets just ignore the absurdities like living in New York near Central Park in MASSIVE apartments with either struggling, shitty or non existing jobs. Looking at you Phoebe. Masseuse who can afford Manhattan? GTFO. Ross & Chandler are the only ones with an actual income and are constantly made fun of because of it. Ross's fascination for dinosauruses and his PhD are a butt of many jokes because who the fuccccccccccckk needs intelligence and real income in Friends world? Chandler's job? Its so unimportant an entire episode was devoted to his closest friends struggling to figure out what he actually does for work. What shitty friends. I could live with the unrealistic aspects (according to Friends, everyone is white and straight in NYC) if the show as actually funny. The only character worth something is Chandler - the receiver of everyone's unflinching cruelty. Especially by Phoebe who is by all definition a complete psychopath that takes pride in being a jobless, homophobic criminal. Also, cue the never ending suicide jokes because dead mom stuff is HILARIOUS. But seriously...where are the black & Asian people? Where are gay people in NYC? Why was 9/11 ignored? I'm getting anger sweats.

1. Joey - the stereotypical Italian American who gets dumber and dumber as the show progresses. He starts off charming and fuckboy-ish at first and I can see why women would be interested but then he devolves into a caricature with borderline special needs. What makes Joey so funny? He likes sandwiches and stuffed penguins! How you doin'? Not good Joe. Not good.

2. Fat jokes - did you guys know Monica was fat? Poor fat Monica wasn't even a character but a device for gross jokes and punchlines. "That girl ate Monica!" Hahaha soooooo funny. At least she becomes skinny and hot and worthy for boys and our time. Thank God. Fat people are not like, real people.

3. Gay jokes - either directed at Chandler, coming from Chandler or used in slurs. His father is a homosexual man and a cross-dresser so naturally, Chandler is ashamed but mostly makes jokes and doesn't invite him to the wedding. This could have been a GREAT topic to dwell into, but no. "Chandler does something therefore its gay" cue the laugh-track.

4. Rachel's narcissism and bitchiness are central to her character. Who the f*ck travels across the world to stop a wedding of a supposed "best friend." Self involved bitches do.

5. Ross....oh Ross. Face & personality made for punching. Responsible, intelligent one is the biggest whiny manchild in history of any sitcom. Crying about a lesbian wife leaving him, crying about every other woman who left him.....dude, look at your life. Look at your choices. Bubonic plague wouldn't get near you. Emily should have smothered you in your sleep. It's not like your kid would miss you, because Ben disappeared all of a sudden. Phoebe probably killed him. 

If you were part of Friends, you would probably be Janice, "Ugly Naked Guy", Emily, Gunther...or slew of other seemingly normal people that these assholes lure into their web of selfishness & lunacy for their own amusement. 

I really could go on, but this post is already too long. Its really simple folks: this show did not age well. It does not fit into 2017 anymore. Its not funny or clever. "But Jovana, sometimes we need stupid humor."

The fuck we do. You are an adult.  Raise your standards and demand more.

Rant over. 

"13 Reasons Why" - glamorizing suicide or bringing awareness?

I binged it in two days. One night, I just didn't even bother to sleep. Whenever you have sensitive topics such as suicide and rape, told by teenagers, its bound to be coated in layers of controversy. I see schools putting up trigger signs and warning parents. I see people criticizing the subject matter and the way it was portrayed. I haven't read Jay Asher's book. I've seen it on Goodreads and Amazon with excellent reviews, but my interest in Young Adult genre at the time was specific to medieval fantasy, science fiction & dystopia. I guess I just wasn't attracted to real-life, sensitive topics. With all that said, I'm no longer interested in just...escaping.

The buzz over 13 Reasons Why is REAL. I can't remember last time I saw something that was on exact same spectrum of love & hate. And I'm right there with it: I love it...and I hate it at the same time.

If you haven't seen the show, beware: this post will be spoiler heavy. 

Before I express my thoughts on a show about suicide, here are some real facts about suicide:

*38,000 people die of suicide every year in US. 

*Depression is the leading cause.

*80 to 90% of people who sought treatment are treated successfully. (This number is HUGE and telling of how important mental health and available resources are.)

*More males commit suicide while more females experience suicidal thoughts and episodes.

*Its a THIRD leading cause of death for young people between 15 and 24. (This is terrifying to me.)

There are more facts and numbers out there for you to research. I wanna dig into the show itself. More often than not, when someone commits suicide, the big question is WHY. Why would someone do that? What drove them to that? Why? Why? What were the signs? Why? 13 Reasons Why gives you just that. And I think its what shocked the people the most. You can always speculate, judge, make guesses, assume...never really know what exactly happened. Hannah Baker tells you: here are 13 reasons that drove me to that bathtub. Do not for ONE second think that the subject matter is watered down and diluted for "sensitive" eyes and minds. Hannah slitting her wrists was by far one of the most disturbing, heart wrenching things I ever watched. I caught myself looking away because its so graphic and devastating. That doesn't even include the emotional and physical abuse, rape, slutshaming, bullying, drug & alcohol abuse, poverty, homelessness, male privilege, internalized misogyny, sports worship over human beings, parental ignorance ("my special, perfect snowflake could never do such thing" - kind of bullshit), cyber bullying, etc. 13 Reasons Why covers all those bases. 

On the surface (and maybe the main reason I "hate" the show) its just that its too simple. Boys are mean to the pretty white girl and she can't have any friends since she's so pretty, other girls ignore her. So she kills herself. Please bare with me for a moment. 

Personally, I know what depression feels like. I know how badly it can alter your world view and how it can make you feel hopeless, lonely, isolated and worthless. I've been there and for a long time too. High school was a living nightmare for me. But a quiet sort of nightmare. Right at the brink of technological evolution, my high school generation was probably the last one that was cell phone free. My misery ended the moment I left that godforsaken property. Teenagers today don't stand a chance. Bullying does not end with exiting the school property. The world is brutal and it will do whatever it can to rip you to pieces. As much as I love technology, I see the deadly side of it as well, so yes younglings of today: I empathize and sympathize with you more than you can image. And no, I will not dwell into the specifics of my youth and every factor that plagued it. Just know that I was too invisible to be harassed...and please take that with a grain of salt.

I do think 13 Reasons Why is not complex enough. 

The issue of rape, suicide, depression and bullying is not to be taken and treated lightly. But maybe its not meant to be in this case. Maybe it is supposed to represent teenage fragility and cruelty down to its most basic definitions. After all, its from a POV of a teenager. I'm not saying teenagers are not complex creatures (quite opposite) but in terms of storytelling, it would be unrealistic to expect teenage mind frame on an adult level. That was one of the main issues I have with writers like John Green. His teenagers are 40 year old wise men. I don't believe in them or that they exist. I do, however, believe in girls like Hannah, Jessica, Courtney and boys like Clay, Alex and Bryce. While the show lacks complexity, it makes up for it with very cruel and real reality:  Bullying was and IS attributed to suicide.

For Hannah, it wasn't just slam to the locker room, dunk your head in the toilet - your corny cartoon type of bullying. She was sexually harassed, slutshamed, abused emotionally and brutally raped.

Is the show triggering? Potentially yes. I do feel like it made light of Hannah's tapes. I think that a suicidal person might follow this step and take the tapes to heart. Because the focus wasn't so much Hannah's mental health, but rather "This is all your faults" (which, don't get me wrong, it most certainly was) too many teens contemplate suicide out of "I'll kill myself, that'll show em!" reasons and that is problematic as fuck. I got the vibe that if you leave tapes or notes behind, people you left behind would come together in a kumbaya everyone-hold-their-hands and realize how much they've grown from someones suicide. Its bullshit. Its no longer Hannah's story, but a story of Clay - average, shy, awkward boy finally learns how to express himself. When he approached Sky in the conclusion of the story, I got the "white savior" vibe from the whole scene. Am I supposed to forget Hannah and her dead body in a tub? Motherfucker no. I feel like the balance shifted away from her, from her mental health...from her ordeal into super cheesy drive off to sunset category and rest of the teens.

I 101% agree that parents & teens really need to approach this show with an open mind and extreme caution. Its powerful story telling but its also very triggering. Some of the suicide parts may be glamorized - such as the mix of Hannah's blood with water in the tub, the way it spilled. That image CAN be construed as romantic. But then its followed by the mind and body numbing pain and her parents finding her. That anguish took breath from my lungs while watching. I've never seen anything more devastating than that particular scene.

Yes, 13 Reasons Why is FULL of flaws. Number one being the oversimplification of a complex issue. Second, the triggering aspects behind the tapes and her motivations. Third, the romantic imagery of some of the darkest moments and fourth, slew of minor characters whose overall character development was either non existent or so minor, it contributed truly nothing to the overall story. Why have them there in the first place? Why waste time?

But it also has some truly valuable lessons to be learned. When I was done with it I told my husband how important words are. How you NEVER know what's going on with someone and just how little can it take to push them over the edge. I mean, this is not something new. Don't be a fucking asshole to people - its really that simple. Also, if it took a problematic show on television for you to realize that: you are the problem and its time to re-evaluate because WORDS MATTER. Whatever you might think of 13 Reasons Why, one thing is certain: We are finally having a conversation about suicide & mental health.

To conclude: 

To find a support group, visit this website

Not ready or unable to attend a support group in person? Consider these online support groups:

http://www.allianceofhope.org/

http://www.pos-ffos.com/

http://www.solossurvivorsoflovedonestosuicide.com/online-groups.html

If you are a victim of sexual assault, please visit RAINN website for all the resources.

https://centers.rainn.org/

If you are a victim of bullying, please call the LIFELINE at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Suicide is never ever ever evvvvvvvver an answer. NEVER. Please seek help. Someone out there cares for you. 

Make-Up Shaming

I wanna get ONE thing out of the way immediately: my purpose on this Earth is not for you to find me attractive...or ugly. My appearance is not your business. It is not a rent I pay to occupy space on this planet. If you are not financing my stuff, you only get to do two things: compliment me (no guarantee I'll care for it or take it) or say NOTHING. The only time you get to comment on the amount of my lipstick, is when it stuck on my teeth. Now that we got that out of the way, I noticed a really ugly trend on social media: make-up shaming. What is make up shaming? Basically bunch of people who love sticking their nose in other people's business and telling them what to do in terms of their appearance and just how much or how little make-up someone is wearing. Yes, apparently this is a thing in 2017. The comment sections are littered with this crap. I believe its a response to an overwhelming amount of beauty videos on Instagram & YouTube. For every Jaclyn Hill, there is a girl out there bragging how she's so awful at putting on a lipstick. Cue the laughs, cue the "omg she is so real & honest yaas." Yes, these days we brag about being terrible at something. Congrats on owning your one and only mascara for 15 years. Enjoy the pink eye. 

Explain to me the effort you put in into a video that shames girls for wearing make up and/or being good at doing make up vs. you walking into a Target or Walgreens and buying a brand new Maybeline mascara for $4.00?  Oh right. It's to be a complete f*cking asshole. I'm being harsh, yes, but this nonsense needs to end already. A lot of it has to do with "special snowflake" syndrome. "Other girls wear make up, but not me!! Aren't I fun & quirky?!"

Here you go:

This make-up shaming trend is rooted in sexism. Somehow the world convinced women that you can either be beautiful or smart. You can hold a lipstick...or a pencil. If I cake my face in foundation and red lipstick, I'm not to be taken seriously or I do it to "impress boys." Get the f*ck out with that nonsense. I did not spend $40 on a Chanel lipstick so a f*ckboy will notice it. 

"You look so much better without all that make up." 

Or on the opposite spectrum for those who don't wear make up: 

"You look tired." 

FULL STOP. That crap is insulting, unnecessary and cruel. 

"This is why you take her swimming before a date" (This is your classic f*ckboy talk. Super easy to spot and then avoid.) I guarantee you that my Dior coated lashes are bigger than your dick. But its not the men and their s*itty, unsolicited, irrelevant opinions that get to me. Its when I see other girls do it. What do you get out of it? What are you trying to accomplish with "you're so much prettier without all that crap on your face."

Lemme break it down:

• Your validation isn't necessary. I wear make up because I LIKE IT.
• That "crap" is $62 bottle of YSL. 
• I enjoy the time I spend doing it. Do not belittle it.
• Maybe I AM dealing with low-self esteem and make-up is one way to raise it. Do not belittle that either. But again, you don't know. Because I didn't tell you.
• Who asked you?

and number 6, the most important one:

STAY IN YOUR LANE. See how I made that big n bold? You do not get to dictate someone else's life and their choices. You either be supportive or you shut the f*ck up. 

Someone's fatness, thinness, clothing choices, hair style and in this case, make up...full stop.

"You try too hard."

What does that even mean? No. Serious question. 

This just goes back to the (humble) bragging about being shitty at doing stuff. (See my first paragraph.) Oh you are sooooo special for not washing a make up brush for a whole decade. Have fun with bacteria and zits. Here is a cookie for your uniqueness and for "not being like the other girls."

Whether you wear a lot of make up or none at all, chances of you getting shamed & mocked by the Internet and people you know are pretty high. Its a godamn pissing contest and women simply cannot win. 

I'm a full blown, unapologetic, loud mouth, intersectional feminist. I love girly shit. I love make up and fashion. I live in heels. I'm obsessed with skin care. I wear ton of make up. I'm neither vain, stupid or shallow....or less feminist because of it. Make up ratio for being a good feminist does not exist. These things are not in a vacuum. You can do one, or both or bunch of other things at the same time. Its called MULTITASKING.

I enjoy the entire process of make up, shopping, the ritual of it. I got my morning coffee...my cats next to me purring and sleeping, music on the phone, sometimes my favorite sitcom on iPad...

and you....you do not get to belittle that with your unsolicited opinion.

Make-up can be whatever you want it to be. Humans have been using it since Ancient Egyptians. If you don't wanna wear it, don't wear it. If you wanna wear 150 lbs of it, you do you. If you're happy with just a $2 lipgloss...or $32.00 Hourglass crayon, more power to ya. There are no rules. 

Mocking and shaming? GTFO. Who the hell do you think you are?

Now excuse me while I re-apply my highlight. 

2016 - My Year in Sephora - the best, the just OK...and the worst.

I spend a lot on my face when it comes to skin care and make up. In the last few years I've really focused on quality of the stuff I use since my skin is so damn sensitive. Butterfly could fart in my direction and my skin will find a way to break out. The moment I turned 13 and got my first period, my skin went from baby smooth to the oily crater mess that has followed me through my youth, mid twenties and now into 30's. I contribute my non-existing self-esteem during those years mainly to my skin issues. Top that with a fact I don't exactly lead the healthiest lifestyle due to a slew of bad habits (I'm an animal, what can I say)...for the sake of my skin and appearance, I go the extra mile. This year was exciting for my Sephora addiction. Mainly because I got my routine down and found stuff that actually works for me. The product pictures in this post are not stock photos taken from websites, but my own. I really want to show you guys that this is the stuff I truly use religiously. Well, not all of it. Some are flukes and I'm AWFUL at returning shit. If you follow my snapchat, you know how much I love beauty hauls and doing swatches. I get ton of positive feedback so I thought why not combine all the stuff I bought in 2016 into one big post. 

I'm going to combine all aspects of neck and up care: face, hair and make up. Don't ask me for body lotions and creams since the answer is basic and simple: I stick to Eucerin & Aquaphor. That stuff is tried and true and magical. I use Aquaphor on my elbows, knees and anywhere with extra flakiness and dryness, while I apply Eucerin to my neck and chest area for extra hydration right before bed.

I want to start with skin care because its so crucial. I have a routine that is OCD-level down perfected and if I skip it...it means I died or I got home drunk and wasted out of my mind. I won't get into my full routine since that's a topic for another post. 

Top three products are my tried and true repeats. I can't recommend them enough. Korres Wild Rose face oil (2nd bottle), Kate Somerville acne spot treatment (I think this is my 5th bottle in the last 2 years), this stuff is STRONG and has sulfuric acid in it that reduces pimples and First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Cream. I'm on my second jar and it lasts a long time. Its not a heavy moisturizer and I like to use it in the mornings before my make up to hydrate the skin and give it some base before foundation. The bottom two products (Lancome eye cream and Tatcha Supple) are expensive as shit but that's because they help fine lines around the eyes. 

Face Masks: Boscia black mask and Origins Original Skin. I have A LOT of texture due to acne and enlarged pores and once a week (Sunday nights), I do a pretty mask heavy routine that strips ALL dead skin cells of my face. Because it can be so drying, I don't do it more than once a week. 

Bobbi Brown - I am so impressed with this brand in terms of their skin care. Make up? I don't care much for it. I use this cleansing oil once I take my foundation off with make up wipe remover and it just leaves skin so soft. Because I'm oily and break out so much, I give my skin what it needs: OIL. I use oil cleansers to clean and face oils to moisturize. People assume if you have greasy skin, the best thing to do is to dry it out and that can't be more wrong. If you keep on drying it out, your pores will react and produce MORE oil and with it more acne. Fighting oil with oil has been my Holy Grail revelation.

Another product I LOVED in 2016 was Clinique Take the Day off Balm. Its oil based and melts the make up right off. Its even gentle for the eyes.

The skincare stuff I did not care for at all and it pains me due to money I spent on it is Sunday Riley. Honestly, these were purely hype based purchases that did NOTHING.

I think Tidal actually made me break out even more, especially on my chin. Right now, they are collecting dust and reminding me of money I dropped on them. Hey, you win some, you lose some.

Hair wise, I can no longer imagine my life without Bumble & Bumble invisible oil products. I have pretty dry hair due to processing and styling, so it always needs extra help. These products give me hydration without weighing it down and making it look greasy. I'm obsessed.

Verb Ghost oil is another product I use daily and its shockingly invisible while super thick in consistency. I say witchcraft but whatever gets these hair ends hydrated.

Now onto MAKE UP :)

I love love loveeeeeeeee make up. Beginning of 2016, I watched a lot of YouTube tutorials. Last few months, less so due to lack of interest. Everything loses its charm I guess. Also, some of these famous beauty gurus started to get paid to push products so they can fund their Botox and fillers...so I gave up. I still follow and love few (Tati and Kathleen Lights) Now don't get me wrong, I don't judge anyone opting for plastic surgery and enhancements. Do whatever makes you feel good. You do you boo. I personally cannot take a beauty advice from anyone that fills their face with fillers and botox. "Ohhh look  how full my lips look with this $90 lipgloss from Tom Ford" 

Well DUH! Your lips look full since they are FILLED with enhancements! I just don't buy it anymore. With that said, I had TON of exciting Sephora purchases in 2016 in terms of make up.

Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renaissance eye palette is THE best palette out there. No joke. If you are going to splurge on anything, make it this. I do heavy black eye shadow on weekends and at parties, but for every day, I'm a warm neutral kinda girl. Lots of browns, reds, oranges. This is a staple item and I'm simply obsessed. Highly pigmented and blendable. It only has two cons but its so magical that I'm able to look past them. It has NO matte black and its very powdery, so I recommend you do your eyes first, battle the fall-out and then do your foundation.

My foundation Holy Grail for the last few years has been Estee Lauder Double Wear. This is my 4th bottle in 2 years. It stays on all day and I touch up  maybe once or twice a day, which for a change, is a miracle. I can't use anything else anymore.

In 2016 I also discovered Givenchy Prisme Libre loose powder in Mousseline Pastel, much to my wallet's dismay. This baby is expensive, but this baby also WORKS. No weird white cast, it mattifies my greasy face, smells incredible and lasts all day. Dare I say its better than Laura Mercier Translucent Powder (I have and use both.)

Even tho my skin can be absolutely tragic at times, I don't have problem with puffiness or dark circles underneath my eyes (knock on wood), therefore I use concealers very seldom. The ones I love are Urban Decay Naked Skin and Too Faced Born This Way, simply because they are NOT heavy. I use them on acne, excessive redness and to highlight if my skin is looking a little thirsty and dull.

Highlighter wise? Guuuuuuuurl...this can be a separate post on its own. I love highlighting. My temples, cupid's bow, nose bridge, shoulders, shoulder blades, eyes, inner corner...you name it. The one highlighter that stood out for me in 2016 is this Cover FX Custom Enhancer Drops in Moonlight. This shit is LEGIT and not for the faint of hearts. You will glow to Gods. Its expensive but a little goes a long way. Also, good luck finding it since its always sold out.

Must I even mention NARS "Orgasm" blush? You don't know shit about make up if this baby is not in your collection. Its a perfect mix of pink and peach for all skin tones with micro glitter to make you glow. Its flawless. I hit pan finally 2 years into using it, so yeah, it lasts FOREVER. "Orgasm" is a cult item for a reason.

If I'm not reaching for Anastasia Modern Renaissance, I've been really loving Too Faced Sweet Peach palette. For the longest time it was gone and sold as special edition. Brand finally made it permanent and I got my hands on it. Its got beautiful cool and warm tones, smells like fresh peaches and the satin shades are nearly perfect. The matte ones need a base for sure.

Since Michelangelo did not sculpt David with plastic fork and hammer, using the right tools to apply your make up is the KEY. I love the Beauty Blender and stippling brush to apply liquid foundation and my newly purchased Kat Von D setting powder #20 brush for the powders. Its softer than baby's butt. I love it.

To color correct, I love YSL products. I use the green touch up stick when I have too much redness from break outs and irritation and Apricot CC primer for a quick touch up when I don't do a full face.

Black eyeliner is a MUST. Hello have we met? I've been using Kat Von D's Trooper for couple of years, but in 2016 I got Tarte double end liquid and pencil eyeliner. You need jaws of life to take that shit off. Its so good. I also loved Pat McGrath and Marc Jacobs. Easy applications, super black, lasts forever.

Now for the make up products that sort of ended up disappointing me. 

Because of my oily, acne prone, enlarged pore skin, I was so excited for Cover FX and its blot drops. It ended up being the most useless product on the planet. For nearly $50, I expected a top notch product. I kept it because I want it to try it different ways: mix with foundation, moisturizer, as a primer, pre make up, post make up...I tried it in every way imaginable. Not only did it not do jack shit, it made me even oilier. What a huge fail for Cover FX (usually a fantastic brand)

Anastasia Beverly Hills foundation and contour stick- It blends to nothing. I tried sculpting my cheeks and as I blended the product, it disappeared. Useless.

Kat Von D's liquid lipstick. I know I know...everyone and their mother swears by these but I just can't stand the dryness. Liquid lipsticks are tricky, I get it. But when the formula is done right (like Kylie Cosmetics), I absolutely love it. I hate these from Kat. Hate them. My lips turn into a dry butthole when I use them.

I didn't hate these two, but for the price, I was not crazy for them either. While I love the color range in this Anastasia glow kit Sweets, its ends up being chunky and glittery. I still reach for it since I love that lavender shade for my shoulders, but I wish it was little smoother and creamier like Becca ones.

Kat Von D's Shade & Light contour palette is just too damn powdery! The amount of product even the least dense brush picks up is INSANE. Color range is nice but the palette itself is a mess. And it could also use a gray tone based shade.

So yeah...that was my year in Sephora. Lots of good stuff, lots of bad stuff, routines mastered, new skills learned...I love this shit. I love having fun with it and experimenting. I genuinely do not regret a single dime spent since 90% of the stuff I get is awesome and it works.

What were your favorite and least favorite products in 2016?