30 things I learned in 30 years - an adieu to 2016.

I turned 30 this year and with 2016 ending in just a few days, I thought I'd share some wisdom I picked up over the course of my tweens, teens, mid and late 20's. I know, right? So much fucking wisdom. *eyeroll* And no, this is not one of those "new year new me" preachy manifestos. You do you boo.  I'm still the same ol' piece of shit I was last year. Something tells me not much will change. All of these 30 items are absolutely experience based and rooted in personal opinion. Took me about six months to complete this post and here you go folks: lessons by the 30 year old witch who will kill your joy somewhere somehow.

1. Truth does not matter. People will always believe what they want to believe and let them. Trying to convince someone is an absolute waste of time and energy. You do you and your life. Let go of the rest. I wasted so much energy focusing on other people's perceptions and opinions of me, I forgot what its like to be a real person. The more you know yourself and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

2. Skin care is everything. If I can give you ONE beauty advice (and I have A LOT), it would be to take care of your skin. Pay attention to ingredients. Pay attention to what your skin is asking of you. What works for someone, may not work for you. Test it, try it, repeat it until you have your own routine. Moisturize, moisturize and then moisturize some more. And stop fucking tanning.

3. Diets are a waste of time. Portion control is EVERYTHING. I dropped about 20 lbs. in the last two years by not eating shit food and lowering the amount. Still love my Chinese food tho. Gimme all that kung pao bitch.

4. Humans are complex creatures. Good person is capable of doing bad. Bad person is capable of goodness. Drawing a black dot on a white sheet of paper does not dismiss the whole paper, no matter how hard people stare and focus on the tiny dot.

5. The only way you keep a secret is by telling it to a dead person or an empty hole in the ground.

6. I still can't eat fresh tomatoes.

7. If you don't change your mind about something, you've learned nothing.

8. Stagnancy is the silent killer - physical, mental or emotional - always do something: read, cook, write, fuck, run, travel....just do.

9. Solitude is cleansing. One minute, one day, one week, one year. Your well being and happiness should not depend on another person (parent, sibling, partner.) Know the difference between loneliness and being alone.

10. Every time I judged a girl by her appearance, it was because I was jealous of something. Calling someone fat or ugly will not make you prettier or thinner. Quit being petty.

11. Feminism helped me find my voice, confidence and it raised my self-esteem. On the contrary what the ignorant fuckwads will tell you, feminists are not dykes who eat babies and kill men. Read some shit.

12. Mom was right.

13. If a guy (or girl) wants you, they will do anything to have and keep you. If they are not texting you, calling, messaging, snap-chatting you. If they are not taking you out on coffee, movies, walks..if they are not doing anything big or small: they are NOT interested. Stop wasting your time. Playing games and "will they wont they" at age 17 is cute. At age 30, it's a waste of precious time. Unless you're into that thing. But then, you can't complain and bitch about it. We tend to repeatedly hit ourselves with a hammer. Because it feels good when you stop.

14. Giving advice to others is a waste of time. Just like the truth, it does not matter. People will do whatever the hell they want. Again, let them. Its not your life.

15. Everyone gossips. Deal with it. Friends talking behind your back is a right of passage like baseball and hair bands. You've done it too and don't you dare lie. There is nothing wrong with "gossiping." It becomes a problem when false rumors start ruining someones life.

16. "Life, Love, Laugh" is a stupid fucking quote. Yo mamma did not push you out of her womb so you can tattoo that basic shit on your body. Life is not that simple and boring. (This is as judgmental as I will ever get about someone. Had to get it out of my system.) 

17. If someone does not like you, there is NOTHING you can do to change their mind. Fuck them.

18. Cursing is a sign of passion and caring. I speak from my own experience and from all the potty mouths I've met in my life. Keep on fuckthis-ing.

19. If you're gonna be all high and mighty, if you're gonna be an asshole to someone, look them directly in the eyes.

20. If 20 people do not like you, the problem is YOU.

21. That one person who wants to be friends with EVERYONE, is not your friend.

22. Making friends in adulthood is difficult. I have less patience and even the smallest shit seems like the Mount Everest. But some people are worth an effort.

23. Good sex, good food, good night of sleep and taking a good shit - recipe for a decent life.

24. QUIT ASKING OTHERS WHEN ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED OR HAVING BABIES. I devoted an entire blog post to this.

25. Ex is an ex for a reason.

26. You are not the same person at age 19 and at 30. You shouldn't be.

27. You can know, realize and learn all these 1-30 items and STILL f*ck up, get f*cked up and be sad. Nothing is certain. Nothing is set in stone. That's the beauty and ugliness of human existence.

28. Quit telling others what to do regarding their appearance. Someones fatness (or thinness), plastic surgeries, style, hair length, skin type....not your business. Rule of thumb: if they cannot fix something in less than 2 minutes (food in teeth, toilet paper stuck to the shoe, stain on the white shirt, open zipper, etc) your unsolicited opinion is harmful and unnecessary.

29. Humans are capable of multitasking. I can watch Kardashians AND The Godfather. I can read Twilight AND Dostoevsky. I can give a fuck about Aleppo AND how shitty my week at work has been. We can do ALL those things. Human brain is absolutely magical. 

30. Everyone wants to be happy and wants others to be happy, holding hands, singing kumbaya and drink cold cokes with polar bears n shit... and be shiny and bright little Mary Fucking Sunshines...but you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to your misery, to unhappiness, to tears, to sadness. No one can negate that for you. Starving children in Africa do not negate your existence as a human being...and to feel happiness and joy, you have to experience despair. The real test is how to deal with it and how you grow from it. 

Of course there are more than 30 things I learned and experienced but it was fitting to do 30...in a year that I turned 30. Again, none of these are personal or related to anyone. This is solely my experience as a fellow human being. Just do whatever the f*ck you want. Happy New 2017 Year!

EASY FISH TACOS WITH CHIPOTLE AÏOLI

My husband loves to fish. Its a hobby he picked up two years ago. He really enjoys it, plus our freezer is always stocked with fish. At least once a month, we'll eat fish and my favorite way to eat it is to make fish tacos. Now, I tried different recipes and ways to do it. I deep fried the fish, I blackened it, grilled it, you name it.  I think beer batter fried cod is the best type of fish for the tacos, but the salmon he catches...I season it well and blacken it on little bit of olive oil and its to die for. What you layer it with is totally up to you. Personally, its not a fish taco unless it has some kind of cream base, shredded lettuce, red onion, lime, cilantro. Everything else is negotiable.Also, corn tortilla matters. White flour is just so filling and it drowns the other ingredients, I'm just not a fan. If you toss the corn tortilla in a pan, you'll give your fish taco nice crunch and heat.

With all that said, here is an incredibly easy fish taco recipe. Again, I cook for two, so double or triple up the amount of your ingredients if you have larger family.

In a bowl, I combined little over a cup of shredded white cabbage with 1 small red onion, 2 spoons of sour cream and half lime juice. If you are fasting for Holidays, replace sour cream and mayo with Vegenaise. That stuff is incredible and completely VEGAN. Add little salt, pepper, mix well and set aside in the fridge to chill it.

To season the fish:

• 1/4 teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper
• 1/2 tspn of garlic powder,
• 1/2 tspn of salt
• 1/2 tspn of black pepper
• 1/2 tspn of ground cumin

Season the fish. Dump it on hot olive oil. 5-7 minutes per side. The pieces I had were very thick.

Separate the fish in chunks so you can load up your taco.

Now this is optional, the aioli topping. I personally LOVE it and its so simple to make.

1/4 cup of mayo

salt and pepper

chipotle hot sauce

couple of cloves of garlic (I always add extra)

lime juice

chopped chives (optional)

Combine until its saucy and spicy.

I threw my white corn tortillas over few drops of olive oil, to give them a nice little char and heat.

To assemble: take the cabbage/onion/sour cream mixture from the fridge, place it on bottom of tortilla, top it with fish, little bit of aioli and of course....TON OF CILANTRO. Do not bother with Mexican food if you do not eat or like cilantro. Its a food group in my house.

You can top it with pretty much anything. Usually, I'd have some fresh avocados but I was out at this moment. You can add fresh onion, tomatoes, anything your heart desires.

And there you have it: easy fish tacos. This entire meal took me less than 15 minutes. Bon apetit!

Stop asking when is someone getting married or having a baby.

I'm about to come of as a complete jackass, but what's new? Being at the age that I am (30 gasp!) happily married for over 2 years to a fantastic man, I guess its natural for people to ask but seriously, QUIT ASKING. Its "natural" because of centuries of propagating typical and stereotypical roles for different genders. Women are conditioned to discuss men, other women or babies. I have never seen a man get asked when is he finally getting married or having a baby. Mostly since men don't have an "expiration date."

I cannot tell you what it's like to have a child since I don't have one. Just as you can tell me how life is finally worth living just because you have a child. My worth is based on myself alone. I do not place my value on the role that I play in other people's lives. I refuse to place my worth in someone else's hands. They will drop it EVERY TIME.  I'm a human first....daughter, sister, wife, cousin, friend etc second. I don't want anyone to give a fuck about me just because I'm someone's mother or wife. I want you to give a fuck about me because I'm a person.

People will confuse your feminism with dangerous and hilarious propaganda that we are all lesbian witches who eat babies and kill men. But I'm not here to lecture you or teach you about feminism. You are a big girl/boy. Read books. Read articles. Talk to people. Experience things. Open your mind to different points of view. Or stay stagnant, I don't give a shit.

With all of these different topics convulsed into one possibly confusing opening statement, I'm here to ask you...wait no...to TELL YOU: quit asking other people when are they getting married or having children. Why? Its absolutely NONE of your business. 7 billion people are experiencing life differently every day. Grasp this fact, wrap it around your brain and maybe, just maybe you will realize that the center of the universe does not revolve around you and your terrible opinion on how someone else should live their life.

I guess my other goal in this post is to come up with reasons why we ask these questions to begin with and why is it that mostly women get asked, so don't even come to me with that #notallmen bullshit.

Marriage and babies are personal decisions. They work for some and they most definitely do not work for others. Asking these questions only propagates that marriage and children are the ULTIMATE goal in life. Maybe they are for you. Nothing wrong with it. It becomes wrong when you tell others to have the same goal. Stop telling people what to do. Since marriage was one of the goals for me personally, I got married. Do I want children? (Even when I ask myself that question, it feels...off.) Some days I do...some I don't. Its called human complexity. I have other goals. Marriage was just one of them. My life and my fight does not end with a shiny ring on my finger. I want to do well at work. I want to network. Be a good sister and daughter to my family. Save a couple of animals. Participate in Slutwalks. Be a decent friend. I have ton of goals. Important ones and not so much. Most people do.

When I fuck up royally...and we all do, I want to be able to recognize it.

I'll admit right now that I'm guilty of asking both of those questions multiple times to multiple women (yes women only - depressing as fuck.)  I admit that I had placed the value of my female friends on their inability to get married. I admit how wrong I am and how sorry I am.

"When are you gonna get married?"
"When will you have a baby?"

And I have never ever asked men in my life these questions. I recognize that now. I recognize my own internalized sexism. Aside from sexist tropes placed upon women, the main reason you should quit asking people about marriage and babies is simple: you have NO clue what people are going thru in their life. If someone chooses to share details of their life with you, ask away. Other than that, just stop.

Infertility, miscarriage, abortion, bad financial situation, bad marriage, domestic abuse, rape, mental illness, physical illness, illness of a parent, caring for elderly parents, career, traveling - there are MILLION reasons why someone is not married or is childless. You never know what kind of wound you are opening by asking these questions. You never know who is grieving over a miscarriage or a stillborn infant. You never know who got out of a terrible relationship that left them with scars, physical and/or mental. YOU DONT KNOW, therefore quit asking. It is none of your godamn business.

The questions might be innocent, but you don't know the pain, grief, stress and frustration they might be bringing to someone. It does not matter how well you mean....someone's fertility, marriage and lack thereof is NONE of your business. Unmarried woman over 30 is not worthless. That idea needs to die painfully.

These questions are intrusive, they can be painful, they can open serious wounds, but why would you give a fuck about other people? What matters is your life, your opinion and how will you shove it down someone's throat. Get the fuck outta here.

If you are truly and sincerely interested in someone's life, ask them what was the best part of their day.  To end this post, I'd like to apologize to anyone whose privacy I have violated. I had no bad intentions. I also had no business asking. You will never hear me ask those intrusive questions again and I will with just as much ease, tell you to quit asking. 

Pumpkin Bread with Sweet Cream Cheese filling

 

 Im not gonna toot my own horn here. Ummm...screw that I will, this is the best pumpkin bread I have ever eaten. Now I know some people have unnatural hatred of all thing pumpkin but I'm not one of those people. Gimme that pumpkin spice lattes and candles and breads n all...give it to me I don't care. Pumpkin is delicious, low calorie and it goes into everything. I usually make my banana bread with this sweet cheesecake mixture filling so I decided to put it into this pumpkin bread and it turned out fantastic!

Ingredients:

For the cream cheese filling:

• 1 packet of room temperature cream cheese
• 1/2 cup of regular, granulated sugar
• 1 tbsp of all-purpose flour
• 1 egg
• 1 tspn of vanilla extract

If you have, use an electric mixer to combine these well. I added a spoon of honey just to give it more flavor.

For the bread (dry mixture)

• 1 2/3 of cup of all-purpose flower
• 1 tspn baking soda
• 1/2 tspn salt
• 1 tspn of cinnamon
• 1/2 tspn of nutmeg
• 1/2 tspn of pumpkin spice

Combine all these together.


Wet mixture:

• 1/2 cup of vegetable oil
• 1 1/2 cups of granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup of greek yoghurt (yoghurt gives any bread load moistness) I refuse to bake without it.
• 2 eggs.

Mix all this with electric mixer.

Now you have 3 different bowls of 3 different textures. Fold the dry mixture into wet little by little so that flour does not clump. Use a whisk or something.

Grease a loaf pan really well. Put one half of the bread mixture on the bottom. Spread the cream cheese filling on top of it. Pour rest of the bread mixture on top and bake for about an hour at 325F.

My oven is pretty strong since its a gas oven. Electric ones may need more time. Use your best judgement. Toothpick in the middle is a good test. If it comes out clean, the bread is done. You don't want to overcook it otherwise it it will be too dry. Enjoy!

Please ignore my disgusting nailpolish

YAY PUMPKIN SPICE EVERYTHING! HAPPY FALL FRIENDS!

Portobello Mushroom Burger with Avocado, Bacon & zesty chipotle aioli.

This is my recipe. Yes, one would think i'd take credit for a more complex dish but no, I'm not that good. Most of my cooking comes from other people's recipes. This one, I put together because I had ingredients that needed to be used or tossed soon enough. Voila the portobello mushroom burger with avocado, bacon and zesty chipotle aioli. You can also make this vegetarian/vegan (just take away the bacon)...and the aioli I made, I used "fake" mayo. Again, I only cook little..for two people. If you want more, add more. Its customizable and you can add literally whatever you want. I personally find these ingredients to be a complete palette: the crunch, the green, the zest and the cream.

Ingredients:
2 big portobello mushroom. Remove stems, wash, throw some salt n pepper, cover with papertowels to soak up excess water.
1 avocado. Cut in pieces. No salt needed if you're using bacon.
1 leaf of romaine lettuce.
10 pieces of bacon. (Husband and I have 5 each)
2 brioche buns (any buns you want)

Just sea salt and ground pepper

Cook the bacon first. Set aside in paper towel to soak up extra fat. Drain half of the fat left and use it to cook your mushrooms and toast the buns. For vegetarian option, ignore the bacon and use olive oil

For zesty chipotle aioli:

Spoon of ketchup, spoon of "fake" or real mayo,  small spoon of dijon mustard.

Season it with garlic powder, onion powder, chipotle paprika and table spoon of pickled olive juice. Mix together and voila! Your buns are ready to be sauced!

Make sure the mushrooms are cooked throughly...as in, once they "let" the water out. Otherwise, your buns will be soaked in shroom juice. Unless thats something you like. You can also grill them....which you know, having 2 Weber's 10 feet from me, one would think I wouldn't stink up the house with bacon but whatever, the cats enjoy it.

Add the greenery and enjoy!

Banana Bread filled with Eurocrem & toasted almonds

You asked and here I am delivering. Here is the recipe for this delicious banana loaf. I've made it so many times and its absolutely tried & true. You can basically fill it with anything you want. I've made it with chopped walnuts and filled it with sweet cream cheese and little bit of honey. Anything goes. I chose the chocolate cream (brand is Takovo, made in Gornji Milanovac, Serbia) because its my favorite chocolate spread on the planet. Many would pick Nutella, but Eurocrem is my holy grail for toast and crepes (palacinke.) Plus its better than Nutella. Come at me bro.

This recipe makes 1 loaf, so if you want more...obviously double up :)

Ingredients:

3 ripe bananas. (Or 4 if you have small ones. I have made them with fresh ones, and it was not as sweet as I would have liked. Make sure your bananas are RIPE. Mush them - chunks are ok. Gives your loaf more texture. Set aside. Bananas will be folded in.)

1 large egg

1/4 cup of light brown sugar

1/4 cup of regular granulated sugar

1/4 cup of sour cream or Greek yogurt. (THIS is important. Its what keeps the loaf moist)

1/2 cup of melted butter (1 stick. Personally, I like to melt it in a pan but microwave is just fine too.)

2 teaspoons of vanilla extract.

1 cup of flour

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 teaspoon of baking powder.

Pinch of salt.

Directions:

Combine sugars, butter, egg, sour cream and vanilla extract together. You can use a whisk or electric mixer. Pour the mushed bananas and fold them in. Once all combined, add the flour (little by little as you fold), baking powder, baking soda and salt. Combine well. 

This is where you can get creative and its totally up to your preferences. I put in chopped slivered almonds. About half a cup. You can throw in chocolate chips, walnuts, pecans...whatever you want.

Grease a 9"x5" loaf pan well. (I made a mistake of taking it easy on the greasing, and the bread was completely stuck and destroyed once i tried to pry it off, grease your pan well.)

Pour half of the mixture in the pan. On top, spread Eurokrem or Nutella, no specific amount. I think I put about half a cup of it. Once its nice and spread, pour the other half of the mixture on top.

350F, 50 minutes, use toothpick to check the center and voila, done!

Cool in the pan for 15,20  minutes before dumping it out on a serving dish.

Creamy Avocado Pasta (with Pancetta)

I had seen this recipe while back, wanting to make it when I was fasting for the Holidays but without the food processor, its not really possible to puree the avocado and rest of ingredients. Now that I have a small Kitchen Aid, I finally made this pasta and its incredible. You can find this recipe in The Oh She Glows vegan cookbook by Angela Liddon. I highly, HIGHLY recommend it. Yes I know, you can find all this stuff for free on Internet, but there is something really special about good cookbooks :) This is an originally all vegan dish, but I added some pancetta to mine for more flavor, since I'm not vegan. Yet.

Ingredients:

Any pasta you have around the house

1 avocado

Fresh basil leaves

Garlic

1 lemon

Olive Oil

Sea Salt & Ground pepper

Processor is necessary.

 Enjoy!